What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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