It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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