my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
high people should be assigned attendants
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
