So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
