I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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