Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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