hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
