That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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