At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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