I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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