Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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