Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
