i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
