She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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