Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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