dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
