I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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