I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
