We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
