can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
