I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
