The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
