I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize