Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
