Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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