so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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