some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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