Ambien. No doubt about it.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
