I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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