I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
