nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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