Moan for me like Helen Keller
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
