sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
