I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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