my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
