she peed on how many people?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
