walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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