Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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