so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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