At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
