She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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