Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
