Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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