we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
