You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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