hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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