dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
