I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
