So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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