Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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