You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
