either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
