When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
