DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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