dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize