Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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