and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
