you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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