i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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